Causes of anger in relationships

Causes of anger

Anger often arises when you feel unfairly treated, threatened, rejected or forgotten. It can also be triggered by misunderstandings or unresolved patterns of conflict between partners, for example when one partner compromises too often on his or her wants and needs.

Is anger a problem in relationships?

Anger in relationships often becomes a problem in relationship therapy. Anger is a natural emotion that we use to set boundaries and protect ourselves. Sometimes anger erupts suddenly. We don’t always understand our own anger, and the other partner is not always willing to accept and adapt to it. The partner may become combative and respond to the anger with their own anger. Or run away. Or become frightened and shut down.

Causes of anger in relationships

Anger often arises when the other person feels unfairly treated, threatened, rejected or forgotten. It can also be caused by misunderstandings or unresolved conflict patterns between partners, for example when one partner makes concessions too often in terms of their wants and needs.

Often the causes of anger are fragmented or invisible to the couple. They may not be caused by something happening in the here and now between the couple, but by old, unresolved conflicts that one (or rather both) partners carry around due to past disappointments, feelings that we are not aware of because they are repressed and unconscious, and which may be triggered by one by the other and suddenly ignite.

It may be that anger has been repressed for many years. When it is dealt with consciously, it is like a release from the shackles that have held us captive all these years. When anger is finally released, it can blow away the old ghosts and breathe new life into them. Depression or sadness gives way to new zest for life.

Therapy and coaching focuses on gaining clarity about what triggers anger and how best to deal with it, both on a personal level and in relationships. This is done by taking responsibility for one’s own feelings and understanding how anger, vreden, is related to other feelings such as sadness, vulnerability, sensitivity, shame, guilt or embarrassment.

It’s good to learn to express your feelings so you don’t have to struggle with them in relationships or let them dominate your life. Anger can be hidden – and become an escape route – from other feelings, as it can be easier to deal with than hidden shame, for example. Anger can also lead to feelings of guilt if you find it difficult to deal with your anger towards others. Beneath anger lie feelings such as anger towards others:

• Being hurt
• Sadness
• Anger
• Shame
• Envy
• Blame
• Treated unfairly
• Not listened to / ignored
• Rejected
• Invisible
• Insecure
• Only
• Degraded
• Abandoned
• Not respected
• Not good enough

Anger and boundaries

Setting boundaries is about expressing your feelings and needs clearly, and saying “yes” and “no” in a balanced way. It is not always easy to be aware of what feelings and needs you want to express. Saying “NO” can also be difficult. If we happen to say “yes” to another person without really thinking about it, and if we happen to fail to express our needs, frustration occurs, which can be the spark that ignites anger.

Communication as a means of resolving anger

The first and most important thing to do when you get angry is to stop and breathe. Deep breathing helps you gain a clearer perspective on the situation and take control of it.

Anger is our most powerful emotion and responding to it in a relationship is all about communication. Talking about the feelings associated with anger and expressing them in a constructive way. Listening to your partner and seeing the problem from his or her perspective. Being open to your partner’s feelings helps build trust and strengthen the relationship. Being willing to understand, forgive and accept your partner’s anger will almost always temper it. This attitude can be very challenging and requires commitment from both parties.

It does not always mean being right.

“You’re right and I’m cool” is almost worse than fighting to be right. A relationship is a team effort, in which both need to feel seen and accepted. You yourself are number 1 in your life, but for a good relationship, your partner is number 2 – and a good rule of thumb is to focus more on the love and care you have to offer than on what you lack. More important than your own wants and needs is being open to your partner. Learning to deal with anger constructively takes time, so it’s good to learn patience.

Constructive feedback as part of the solution

Giving constructive feedback to the other person can help identify the reasons for the anger and give space for the other person to understand. It can also help resolve the situation and create a greater sense of belonging. Finally, it is important not to forget to affirm the other person, praise the other person’s achievements and show love. This can help reduce anger and strengthen the relationship.

Talk to each other with respect

When dealing with anger in a relationship, don’t forget to talk to each other respectfully. This is a step towards building a healthy relationship based on mutual understanding.

Compromise as a key word

A willingness to compromise is a good asset in a relationship. Compromising can be easy or difficult, depending on personality. Some agreement on shared values is a great asset. Otherwise, conflict is an opportunity to learn to be open to accepting different opinions and ways of thinking. This will help build more trust in the relationship and reduce anger.

Take a break

If anger gets so high that you can no longer listen to each other, it may be necessary to take a break before trying to resolve the conflict. This will give both parties time to calm down and come back with a clearer mind. Agree on a time when both of you will be calmer and better able to deal with it. If one of you feels fear when anger flares up, it is important to take a break so that the anger does not turn into psychological violence. Everyone has the right to feel safe in close relationships.